My name is Kath Danch. I am a 48-year-old Baby Boomer and “1″ of about “40 million” – ‘Grand-Boomers’ in the U.S. who are redefining the stereotypical role of Grandparenting. I became a full-time mom again at the age of 41 to my twin grand-daughters. Six years later they went to live with their mom full-time.
The experience changed my life, changed me,..forever. It transformed many of my perceptions in life.
I want to share the roller-coaster ride of raising grandchildren, to giving them up,…to attempting to now play the role of a ‘grandma’ to them. It’s one of those times when doing the ‘right thing’,…is just ‘right’,..but can offer such conflicting emotions at times.
But truly, the main reason for this blog, although I receive the benefit of releasing some pinned up thoughts and emotions,…is to in some way,..encourage, support, and help other grandparents.
Grandparents are the ‘roots’ in a grandchild’s life. And we all know, the stronger the roots, the better the tree. Although I felt some reluctance to the whole idea of being a full time mom again, I shutter at the thought of NOT ever having that experience. *shutter*
Even if you aren’t raising your grandchildren,…the part you play in their lives is crucial. As grandparents we NEED to be WILLING to step up to the plate and invest ourselves in our legacy, and not just leave it up to chance.
So head over to “Recent Posts”,…or to the “Archive” and as you read, maybe you will find that you can identify with many of the thoughts and feelings? Maybe you will find some insight to a situation you are dealing with? Or maybe, you will just get a glimpse into another human beings life….but PLEASE, leave a comment…share your thoughts with me.
I truly WANT to hear from as many grandparents as possible!
May we bless and encourage each other with our words.
Kath
Hi Kath, just randomly chose to click on this link in your email! ANyway, I’ll add my grandparents experience. My oldest son has a 2 year old. The “parents” relationship is not good, and when the mother found out she was pregnant again she gave that baby up for adoption. Her Uncle in another state adopted him. So I have 2 grandkids, one I see frequently and the other I only saw at birth and now lives out of state.
Comment by Michele — March 25, 2009 @ 3:11 pm |
Hi Kath,
I am writing because I am wondering if any other grandparents out there have had a similar experience to ours.
We currently have legal custody of our 5-month-old grandson who was (unfortunately) the product of a “one-night-stand” between my son and an acquaintance of his. The problem I’m having is my anger with this situation. You see, its a long story but due to some things the mother did while pregnant (drugs & alcohol) she is in the social services system and not allowed to be alone with the child (she is now allowed supervised visitation, with my supervision, my husband’s or another adult).
My son, who this young woman informed about his fatherhood the day after the baby’s birth (and we confirmed it with a DNA test) is now ALSO in the social service system — and not allowed to be alone with the child — because of his relationship with this girl (even though he had not seen her again for about 8 months after the “hook-up”).
Sooo….the anger I feel is, of course, towards my son for his stupidity, and at this girl because of what she did to this child in utero. As I write this, the child is in the hospital for a virus (RSV). *I* have been here two days straight dealing with the medical issues and worrying about my grandson. Today, the child’s mother comes and wants to stay overnight in the hospital with the child and I. Thing is, she *can’t* stay overnight with the child alone, because of social services restrictions on her. So, she “assumes” I’m okay with the fact that she wants to stay with the child overnight, with me there. If I say she cannot, I am afraid social services will look upon it negatively, because one of the things they are watching is how we all (my son, the girl, the girl’s parents, myself, and my husband) are able to “play well” together before they restore parental rights.
My husband and I have had total financial (and other) responsibility for this child now for 3 months. This girl and my son are unable to contribute much at all to the child’s bills (they both make very little money), but they STILL enjoy many of the same benefits parents have. I realize this is all in the name of “restoration of parental rights” because that is what is good for the child, but my husband and I are struggling financially with this child’s expenses and the stress of dealing with two stupid 20-somethings, the girls parents (who are control-freaks) and the social system.
I have taken off three days (for which I don’t get paid) to deal with this child’s illness in the hospital (1) because the biological parents cannot be left alone with him, (2) the other grandparents can’t take the time off of their jobs to be with him during the day (but of course they want a say in what happens with him), and of course also because I WANT to be with him.
The stress and financial situations are breaking us. What do other grandparents DO in these situations??? HELP!
Nancy
Comment by Nancy — April 9, 2009 @ 3:35 am |
Nancy,..
I assure you that you are not the only one that deals with the ANGER issues!!
I don’t know if there is any worse position to be in, than to be a grandparent who steps up to the plate and assumes FULL responsibility for a grandchild,…while at the same time being subjected to ALL the dynamics that go with not being the biological parent. It is one of the most complex and frustrating positions a person can subject themselves too.
Even though you assume SOLE responsible, you find yourself caught in a VICE of biological parents,..and a second set of grandparents who want the “privileges” of parenting and grandparenting, but they don’t shoulder any of the sacrificial aspects of the childs welfare. Add to that trying to be accountable to a “system” that is not emotionally attached to the situation,…and you have a real can of worms!
Here is one thing I know though Nancy,…one thing you DO NOT want to do, is start sacrificing yourself in order to accommodate everyone else who does not have legal custody of the child. It will result in immense bitterness and resentment. And trust me, this whole situation will have opportunity for that without adding another element to it *smile*
It is not your job to make everything better for everyone else that was irresponsible,…at your own expense. By pretending like you can set aside your own emotions and be all things to all people will make you an emotional wreck and only heightened the anxiety of everything that happens.
I tried that,..and made myself an emotional wreck.There is NO WAY to balance it all. It is not a “natural” situation. Just accept that now. There wont be anything EASY or COMFORTABLE about the position you are in.
That being said, there is a huge difference between being “unreasonable” and “practical”.
If you do NOT intend to stay at the hospital all night, changing your plans to accommodate others only makes you a sacrificial lamb. Bad move. YOU did not create this situation and it is not your duty to make it “comfortable” for those that did.
If the mother can’t spend time with the baby unless you are there,..and you arent there…that is not your problem. It is a consequence to the choices you had nothing to do with that she must pay. No one sleeps well at a hospital, and if you make decisions based on what everyone else wants, you will start to seriously run yourself down, and it will effect your own health and mental well being.
Now that isn’t saying that if you ARE going to be at the hospital all night that the mother shouldn’t be there. Because it goes along with the old saying “you don’t just marry the woman/man, you marry the whole family”. I know they aren’t married, but the same principle applies. By taking on Legal Custody of your grandchild, you take on everyone that comes with him. The good, and the bad, and the indifferent.
But I want to add this,…despite all the aggravation, frustration, tattered emotions, and drained finances,…there are first smiles, first words, unpredictable moments of magic and what you are doing might start from just being a responsible person,…but it will end up purely from love.
There is so much I could share with you.
Why dont you just write me at this email address and perhaps we can get in contact with each other, okay?
KathDanch@gmail.com
I look forward to hearing from you.
Kath
Comment by Kath — April 13, 2009 @ 12:47 pm |
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Thanks
Comment by Nancy — June 19, 2009 @ 2:08 am |
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Comment by Nancy — June 19, 2009 @ 2:08 am |
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Comment by mary s — July 10, 2009 @ 2:12 am |