My name is Kath Danch. I am a 48-year-old Baby Boomer and “1″ of about “40 million” – ‘Grand-Boomers’ in the U.S. who are redefining the stereotypical role of Grandparenting. I became a full-time mom again at the age of 41 to my twin grand-daughters. Six years later they went to live with their mom full-time.
The experience changed my life, changed me,..forever. It transformed many of my perceptions in life.
I want to share the roller-coaster ride of raising grandchildren, to giving them up,…to attempting to now play the role of a ‘grandma’ to them. It’s one of those times when doing the ‘right thing’,…is just ‘right’,..but can offer such conflicting emotions at times.
But truly, the main reason for this blog, although I receive the benefit of releasing some pinned up thoughts and emotions,…is to in some way,..encourage, support, and help other grandparents.
Grandparents are the ‘roots’ in a grandchild’s life. And we all know, the stronger the roots, the better the tree. Although I felt some reluctance to the whole idea of being a full time mom again, I shutter at the thought of NOT ever having that experience. *shutter*
Even if you aren’t raising your grandchildren,…the part you play in their lives is crucial. As grandparents we NEED to be WILLING to step up to the plate and invest ourselves in our legacy, and not just leave it up to chance.
So head over to “Recent Posts”,…or to the “Archive” and as you read, maybe you will find that you can identify with many of the thoughts and feelings? Maybe you will find some insight to a situation you are dealing with? Or maybe, you will just get a glimpse into another human beings life….but PLEASE, leave a comment…share your thoughts with me.
I truly WANT to hear from as many grandparents as possible!
May we bless and encourage each other with our words.
Kath
Hi Kath, just randomly chose to click on this link in your email! ANyway, I’ll add my grandparents experience. My oldest son has a 2 year old. The “parents” relationship is not good, and when the mother found out she was pregnant again she gave that baby up for adoption. Her Uncle in another state adopted him. So I have 2 grandkids, one I see frequently and the other I only saw at birth and now lives out of state.
Comment by Michele — March 25, 2009 @ 3:11 pm |
Hi Kath,
I am writing because I am wondering if any other grandparents out there have had a similar experience to ours.
We currently have legal custody of our 5-month-old grandson who was (unfortunately) the product of a “one-night-stand” between my son and an acquaintance of his. The problem I’m having is my anger with this situation. You see, its a long story but due to some things the mother did while pregnant (drugs & alcohol) she is in the social services system and not allowed to be alone with the child (she is now allowed supervised visitation, with my supervision, my husband’s or another adult).
My son, who this young woman informed about his fatherhood the day after the baby’s birth (and we confirmed it with a DNA test) is now ALSO in the social service system — and not allowed to be alone with the child — because of his relationship with this girl (even though he had not seen her again for about 8 months after the “hook-up”).
Sooo….the anger I feel is, of course, towards my son for his stupidity, and at this girl because of what she did to this child in utero. As I write this, the child is in the hospital for a virus (RSV). *I* have been here two days straight dealing with the medical issues and worrying about my grandson. Today, the child’s mother comes and wants to stay overnight in the hospital with the child and I. Thing is, she *can’t* stay overnight with the child alone, because of social services restrictions on her. So, she “assumes” I’m okay with the fact that she wants to stay with the child overnight, with me there. If I say she cannot, I am afraid social services will look upon it negatively, because one of the things they are watching is how we all (my son, the girl, the girl’s parents, myself, and my husband) are able to “play well” together before they restore parental rights.
My husband and I have had total financial (and other) responsibility for this child now for 3 months. This girl and my son are unable to contribute much at all to the child’s bills (they both make very little money), but they STILL enjoy many of the same benefits parents have. I realize this is all in the name of “restoration of parental rights” because that is what is good for the child, but my husband and I are struggling financially with this child’s expenses and the stress of dealing with two stupid 20-somethings, the girls parents (who are control-freaks) and the social system.
I have taken off three days (for which I don’t get paid) to deal with this child’s illness in the hospital (1) because the biological parents cannot be left alone with him, (2) the other grandparents can’t take the time off of their jobs to be with him during the day (but of course they want a say in what happens with him), and of course also because I WANT to be with him.
The stress and financial situations are breaking us. What do other grandparents DO in these situations??? HELP!
Nancy
Comment by Nancy — April 9, 2009 @ 3:35 am |
Nancy,..
I assure you that you are not the only one that deals with the ANGER issues!!
I don’t know if there is any worse position to be in, than to be a grandparent who steps up to the plate and assumes FULL responsibility for a grandchild,…while at the same time being subjected to ALL the dynamics that go with not being the biological parent. It is one of the most complex and frustrating positions a person can subject themselves too.
Even though you assume SOLE responsible, you find yourself caught in a VICE of biological parents,..and a second set of grandparents who want the “privileges” of parenting and grandparenting, but they don’t shoulder any of the sacrificial aspects of the childs welfare. Add to that trying to be accountable to a “system” that is not emotionally attached to the situation,…and you have a real can of worms!
Here is one thing I know though Nancy,…one thing you DO NOT want to do, is start sacrificing yourself in order to accommodate everyone else who does not have legal custody of the child. It will result in immense bitterness and resentment. And trust me, this whole situation will have opportunity for that without adding another element to it *smile*
It is not your job to make everything better for everyone else that was irresponsible,…at your own expense. By pretending like you can set aside your own emotions and be all things to all people will make you an emotional wreck and only heightened the anxiety of everything that happens.
I tried that,..and made myself an emotional wreck.There is NO WAY to balance it all. It is not a “natural” situation. Just accept that now. There wont be anything EASY or COMFORTABLE about the position you are in.
That being said, there is a huge difference between being “unreasonable” and “practical”.
If you do NOT intend to stay at the hospital all night, changing your plans to accommodate others only makes you a sacrificial lamb. Bad move. YOU did not create this situation and it is not your duty to make it “comfortable” for those that did.
If the mother can’t spend time with the baby unless you are there,..and you arent there…that is not your problem. It is a consequence to the choices you had nothing to do with that she must pay. No one sleeps well at a hospital, and if you make decisions based on what everyone else wants, you will start to seriously run yourself down, and it will effect your own health and mental well being.
Now that isn’t saying that if you ARE going to be at the hospital all night that the mother shouldn’t be there. Because it goes along with the old saying “you don’t just marry the woman/man, you marry the whole family”. I know they aren’t married, but the same principle applies. By taking on Legal Custody of your grandchild, you take on everyone that comes with him. The good, and the bad, and the indifferent.
But I want to add this,…despite all the aggravation, frustration, tattered emotions, and drained finances,…there are first smiles, first words, unpredictable moments of magic and what you are doing might start from just being a responsible person,…but it will end up purely from love.
There is so much I could share with you.
Why dont you just write me at this email address and perhaps we can get in contact with each other, okay?
KathDanch@gmail.com
I look forward to hearing from you.
Kath
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Comment by mary s — July 10, 2009 @ 2:12 am |
This is great, I have been looking for people in the same situation.
I don’t even know how to begin except the grandson I am raising is my heart. I love him so much, he has given me so much joy!!
My husband I had to go to court to get custody of him when he was 3 years old.
His mother was old enough to know better, (23) and for some reason lost her mind. She was involved with bad people and just wanted to party. She moved her and the baby to Las Vegas and would bring the baby back and forth. She would leave him with me for weeks and even months at a time and then come and get him.
This went on for about 2 years. Finally one day I had enough and I told her she needed to either keep him or let him stay.
It was tearing my heart out everytime she would come and get him, not to mention what it was doing to him. Well that warning didn’t work, so the next time she left him and said she was coming to get him, I told her no! Well that caused a world war!
So I went to see a lawyer and she said I had a great chance for custody.
I was so torn, I felt like I was having to choose between my own child and my grandchild. But I felt like he needed me more.
I ask for joint custody but I would be primary. I didn’t want to take him away from her, I just wanted her to be a mommie!
Now 4 years later, he will be in second grade and his mom is living with us too, our relationship is better. My problem is it is so hard for her to come in and start making decision for him, some I don’t agree with. So to keep the peace I just bite my tongue. He adores her and wants to please her so bad and sometimes I get a little ignored and my feelings get so hurt. I know he doesn’t do it on purpose. I guess since I have been emotionally, financially and physically resposible for him most of his life, I feel like I should be getting the attention he gives her. I have found that the line between being a grandparent and a parent is so hard. But he will always be my heart beat regardless!
Comment by BJ — July 15, 2009 @ 10:01 pm |
Mary,
I understand implicitly! It would be nice if someone could come along and give us the “answer” that would be right for ‘everyone’ and no ones feelings would get hurt, and everyone could live in harmony happily ever after! *smile* But that is just a fairytale when you are talking about the unfathomable tangled web created when we make a choice to intervene in the lives of our grandchildren.
The problem is, the role that we play is NOT that of a “grandmother”, it is that of a mom. And there is no way to limit your attachment because they are your grandchild. So when our children try to assert themselves as the “parent” there is an immediate stepping on toes that takes place.
All I can offer is the following from my own experience, and I can hope that there are others, perhaps wiser than I, that will also chime in!
My PURPOSE in intervening in my grandchildrens lives was because their mother was incapable of taking care of them, it was never because I wanted to take away her privilege of being a mom. Children are not guinea pigs, they require certain things in life to be healthy physically, mentally, and emotionally. I stepped in to assure they received that…because she could not.
After raising them for 6 years, in my heart and mind they were MY children, I invested my heart and soul in them. So needless to say when my daughter decided to get her life on track and NOW she wanted to be a mommy,…I went through the toughest emotional battle I have ever endured in my lifetime.
Trying to sort out the details seemed impossible because now so many things were intertwined and trying to go back and make it all right, was never going to happen. We were going to have to take this unfathomably IMPERFECT situation and deal with it now. No one was going to be happy. No one was going to walk away unscathed by the circumstances,..
I have to go get my granddaughters, they stay the week ends with me,..I will bb and finish this! Stay tuned!
Comment by Kath — July 17, 2009 @ 9:51 pm |
Btw,..I meant to address BJ’s comment, sorry BJ!
BJ, one thing I have learned in my now “50″ (as of a few weeks ago) years of life, is that imperfect situations, will never have perfect answers!
When my daughter had the twins, I would have given anything for her to assume the role of a responsible mother who would nurture and care for them…I was at a place in life where I had my own ambitions, and raising babies was not on my agenda. I had PLANS…but those plans were “sacrificed” and I became a full time mom instead. I felt some resentment, but I would never have let my grandchildren fall through the cracks of life. The resentment towards my daughter was replaced by the joy I received loving and caring for them.
But the resentment re-surfaced when all my hard work, my sacrifice, seemed like a “moot point’ to her, because NOW she was ready to their mom. And the truth is, I had seen for months now that she was serious about assuming the role, and my stress level was about a 15 on a 1-10 scale. The anxiety I felt at even the thought of entrusting her with these little lives I had dedicated myself to for the last 5 years was beyond painful. I couldn’t imagine it. I didn’t want it. I had the fleeting thought of taking the kids and running away…that actually seemed more feasible than allowing her to assume a role that had become a part of who I was now,…mentally and physically, “I” was Hannah and Abby’s mom. The internal conflict I was experiencing was indescribable.
So just so you know BJ,…the feelings you have are part of the “universal conflict” every grandparent who raises a grandchild, and then has to share with a biological parent, or give them up, has. And that doesn’t make them easier to deal with, but I assure you that you arent alone.
September 22, 2006 the girls were officially out of my house, and living with my daughter. If tears were pain, I cried an ocean. I still cry, I am crying as I write this. Right now, Hannah is asleep in my bed, and Abby is in the other room asleep. They usually spend at least one, usually two, days a week end with me. And it still doesn’t come close to feeling the void.
I have gotten to the point where I finally realize my time is my own, and I am pursuing other things in life again,..but I find myself still ever vigilant to monitoring their lives and I am fortunate that my daughter at least understand our connection and allows me to maintain playing a BIG part in their lives.
All in all, I wish that there was some secret formula for making such a awkward situation smooth for all concerned,….but the truth is, even if we all knew the pain that would be involved in the long run of choosing to step up to the plate and raise our grandchildren, I dont think it would ever serve as a deterrent. For me it was never a choice, If not my daughter, than I was the only one to do the job.
Thanks for writing and participating BJ,..write whenever you want!
Kath
Comment by Kath — July 18, 2009 @ 12:24 pm |
Hi! I was surfing and found your blog post… nice! I love your blog.
Cheers! Sandra. R.
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Comment by megan fox — September 11, 2009 @ 3:53 pm |
I am a grandmother that moved from California to Sedalia Mo (changing my life totally)to help my son and daughter-in-law take care of my grand-daughter when she was 6 mths old, she is now 8. I was the day time and some times week-end babysitter. After 2 years my son and daughter-n-law split. Now one wanted it but it happened. after about a year my daughter-n-law re-married and moved about 35 min. away. so my time with my grand-daughter was limited but I was still seeing her about 3 times a week. Now my so just re-married a women with a 7 years old daughter and things are really a mess because the new wife wants us to take her child whenever we take our grand-daughter. I do take her sometimes but not every single time. We want one on one time and the other child is a handful and demands to be the center of attention. Well because I didn’t take her daughter this last time she and my son have taken away us seeing our grand-daughter completely. They said they can’t be separated and I can’t see either one. My heart is breaking. I have been apart of her life since she was 6mths old. She loves me and she is my world. This new wife is very controlling and never like that I was close to my son and grand-daughter. Now even my 80 year old mother can’t see her great-grand-daughter. The new wife wrote me an awful letter. My son is sticking to her side and we haven’t spoken in 3 mths.
Comment by MiMi — September 26, 2009 @ 11:51 pm |
Mimi,..
This won’t make you feel any better, but “I feel your pain”.
When you don’t have legal custody of your grandchild and you are stepping in, admirably so, to ‘mother’ them, it is one of the toughest calls you will ever make in life, and you run the risk of having your heart broken.
If only that fact would stop us, but it doesn’t. At the beginning we are all too aware they are not ours, but by the time we invest ourselves FULLY in their well-being, loving, teaching, nursing, correcting, and comforting them, like a “good mother” does, we are completely oblivious to any “titles” that would dare try to make us LESS than what we are, “mom”.
So it makes for a “gut-wrenching” ordeal when one day someone steps in and “now” wants to take over… and you, your time, your self-sacrifice, and the deep-seeded attachment you feel for your grandchild are treated irrelevant in the scope of things,…and there isnt a thing you can do about it.
My granddaughters still call me “mom” out of habit…and although my daughter is quick to correct them and almost takes it as an insult to her,…in their hearts and minds, I AM mom…the person they built a bond with, the person who influenced them, loved and nurtured them for the first 5 years of their lives. I am ever so grateful I made the decision to put my own life on hold to be a ‘mom’ to them, even though it was the most painful experience of my whole life having them leave. And even now after 3 years of them not being here, I can still cry at the drop of a hat at their absence.
There is nothing easy about dealing with the emotions and ties established and shared between you and your granddaughter…no one can ever have someone elses answers, but I want to share something I have come to realize over the last 3 years.
I had to reconcile with myself that:
* I played an important part in their lives, and how it influences who they are, and who they become, is a living testament to unconditional love.
* I am their grandmother, not their mom, regardless of what my heart and mind feels.
* I WAS in charge of their lives at one time, I am no longer, even if I think I could do a better job. *smile*
* THEY, not me, are the most important thing – they have feelings and attachments for me too, and if I linger in a place of emotional despair I make it harder on THEM to transition, and transition is not an option. It will happen with or without my approval.
* I cannot change the situation, I can only change how I respond to it.
* Nothing seems fair if I weigh everything against my feelings..but life is not meant to be fair, it is meant to be lived. I accepted a responsibility that had no absolutes to it…whatever pain I feel is nothing compared to the joy I experienced.
When your heart is breaking Mimi,…remember it is doing so because you “loved” and still love….and there is nothing bad about that.
As for the specifics of the situation now, as someone who has had to COMPROMISE what I want for what I can have…let me tell you,…..your granddaughter would rather SEE YOU WITH the other child, than not see you at all.
Kath
Comment by Kath — September 29, 2009 @ 10:53 am |
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Comment by megan fox topless — October 7, 2009 @ 5:39 pm |